Both examples are difficult, and if you define who you are and how valuable you are by uncontrollable life circumstances such as these, you are codependent. Inner core beliefs such as “I am a failure,” “I am worthless,” or “my life will never get better” strongly reinforce feelings of low self-worth. In these examples, codependence on your relationships and job becomes self-defining, and feelings of positive self-worth diminish.

Codependence as Teeter-Tauter

Codependence on positive things can also affect your self-worth. For example, you do receive the desired promotion and a substantial pay raise. You feel like a success and great about yourself and your future. Your feelings of positive self-worth feel solid, and your self-esteem and confidence increase. However, yesterday you considered finding a new job because you weren’t enjoying your work. As time passes, you enjoy the promotion and its benefits, but soon you feel you still dislike your job and want to find another one. 

Even though your life improves in certain ways due to your promotion, your sense of self-worth decreases over time. Things worsen as some of your negative core beliefs arise. You ask yourself, “Why am I still stuck in this job? There must be something better out there.” You begin a job search. Six months later, you are still dissatisfied and unable to find a better job. Feelings of failure increase, and your sense of self-worth continues to drop.

Your promotion, which initially bolstered positive feelings of self-worth, no longer provides positive validation. Your sense of self-worth, which you believed to be high, dropped over time as you realized that the raise and other benefits of the promotion didn’t lead to happiness. Being codependent and relying on your job to bolster your self-worth didn’t work. Disappointments are inevitable if you depend on things outside yourself to provide positive worth. These are things that you cannot control.

Whether positive or negative, dependence on things outside yourself creates ups and downs and makes you feel that your life is out of your control. Your inner world and sense of self-worth fluctuate as your outer world changes. This is the powerful influence of codependence.

An Inside Job - How to Make Cognitive and Behavioral Changes

‘It’s an inside job’ is something we’ve all heard. But, it is true. Positive feelings of self-worth must come from within. Codependence on things outside of yourself - that you have relied on to feel good about yourself - must go. Changing this requires a change in perspective. You must learn to value things outside of yourself less. But, this can feel unfamiliar and even wrong. It is necessary, however, if you are to find happiness and positive self-worth.